What You Can Do to Improve Co-Parent Communication
After doing this for so many years, we’ve seen more than our fair share of issues when it comes to co-parenting.
But by far, the most common concerns clients seem to have are problems related to co-parent communication.
This comes as no surprise, though, as co-parent communication is a completely different way of interacting with somebody whom you’ve had an intimate relationship with, and when you’ve just gotten divorced, things tend to be very emotionally charged.
Often, when former partners have to start connecting and communicating with each other again, it’s almost like trying to start up an old car that’s been sitting in the garage for months on end.
Just like that old car, you can probably get it up and running again, but if you don’t give it what it needs to run smoothly, you’re going to be in for a bumpy ride.
But if you prioritize productive and respectful co-parenting communication, you can minimize the impact of any issues for you, your former partner, and your children.
So, if you want to cultivate a healthy co-parent relationship and you’re looking for co-parenting tips on communication, then you should definitely keep reading.
Because in this co-parenting communication guide, we’re going to explain the benefits of healthy communication between co-parents and explore the dos and don’ts that you need to know if you want to improve co-parent communication.
What Are the Benefits of Healthy Co-Parent Communication?
The importance of healthy co-parenting communication cannot be overstated.
Having this kind of relationship with your former partner will make everything go much more smoothly, and help to avoid unnecessary issues for both you and your children.
With that in mind, here are several key benefits of maintaining healthy co-parent communication:
Enhances Child Development
Effective communication between co-parents supports children’s psychological and emotional development.
Moreover, children who see their parents cooperating and communicating effectively are more likely to feel secure and loved, and this stability helps them develop healthy social skills and a positive self-image.
Reduces Conflict
Good communication is easily the best way to reduce misunderstandings and conflicts for co-parents.
Because when you can discuss your children’s needs calmly and openly, you’re less likely to have disputes, which creates a more peaceful environment for both children and parents.
Improves Consistency
Consistent rules, discipline, and routines across both households help children feel secure.
With that in mind, effective communication allows you and your co-parent to align your parenting styles and expectations, which helps your children understand what to expect from each of you, and reduces confusion and manipulation.
Supports Problem-Solving
When you communicate well with your co-parent, you can more effectively address and resolve issues concerning your children’s health, education, and welfare.
This proactive approach can prevent small issues from becoming much larger problems.
Models Positive Behavior
By demonstrating respectful and constructive communication, you and your co-parent can set a positive example for your children.
This modeling teaches them important life skills such as negotiation, respect for others' opinions, and healthy conflict resolution.
Enhances Parental Well-Being
Healthy communication can reduce stress for both you and your co-parent.
And when the two of you can talk openly and be heard by each other, your mental health and overall well-being can improve, which in turn benefits your parenting.
Fosters Flexibility and Cooperation
Life is unpredictable, and flexibility is often necessary, especially when it comes to children.
And when you communicate well with your co-parent, you can more easily adjust plans, will be more likely to plan ahead, and will be encouraged to cooperate in ways that meet the changing needs of your children.
Dos and Don’ts for Co-Parent Communication
We’ve helped clients with a wide range of co-parent communication issues.
Whether it’s people yelling at each other, invalidating each other’s feelings, trying to dominate every conversation, or something else entirely, at this point, we’ve pretty much seen it all.
What’s more, we’ve learned what to do in these situations, and what not to do, to ensure co-parents can communicate in the best way possible.
With that in mind, here are the dos and don’ts of co-parent communication:
What You Should Do
Establish Clear Communication Channels
If you want to ensure effective communication between you and your co-parent, you’ve got to agree on the best ways to communicate.
Some co-parents prefer texting or emailing for routine updates because it allows them to respond at a convenient time and provides a written record, whereas others might choose phone calls or in-person meetings for more detailed discussions.
So, make sure to keep this in mind and work with your co-parent to determine which forms of communication are best for both of you.
You should also establish a routine for regular updates regarding your children’s school activities, health, and emotional well-being, as this ensures both parents are equally informed and involved.
Set Boundaries and Rules
If you want to improve co-parent communication, you should always speak respectfully to and about each other, especially in front of your children.
This sets a positive example and helps avoid putting children in the middle of conflicts.
What’s more, you should keep conversations focused on your children and their needs, and avoid veering into personal issues or past grievances.
Plan and Prepare
Another thing you should do is use shared online calendars to keep track of your children’s schedules, appointments, and events.
This can prevent miscommunication and will help to ensure both you and your co-parent are aware of upcoming commitments.
It may sound exceedingly formal, but when you’re planning a discussion, it’s also good to draft a brief agenda, as it can help you keep the conversation on track.
Develop a Co-Parenting Plan
Productive co-parent communication also requires you to have a clear, written co-parenting plan that outlines how decisions will be made, how information will be shared, and how each parent will contribute to your children's needs.
This can include details about educational decisions, medical care, and extracurricular activities, among other things.
And while it’s important to stick to the plan, you should also be willing to adapt as your children grow and their needs change, as flexibility can prevent conflicts and make the co-parenting process easier.
Use Neutral Language
When discussing issues, you should use neutral language that doesn’t blame or criticize the other parent, and use clear and direct communication to reduce the chance of misunderstandings.
For example, instead of saying, “You never remind him about his homework,” you should try something like, “Let’s both make sure to check his homework every night.”
You should also try to inquire rather than accuse, as it’s much easier to respond to an inquiry than an accusation because when you’re being accused, you’ll immediately become defensive.
So, if your child is complaining about something your co-parent has been doing, it’s better to say something like, “I heard you were doing this, and I wanted to check,” versus, “Why are you doing that to our child?”
Seek Professional Help if Needed
If communication becomes too challenging, you might want to consider seeking help from a therapist or counselor who specializes in co-parenting issues, as they can provide strategies to improve communication and resolve conflicts.
In cases where disagreements persist, mediation by a neutral third party can help you resolve disputes without going to court.
Focus on Your Children’s Best Interests
If you want to inspire healthy co-parenting communication, you should always consider the emotional and physical needs of your children first.
This can help you rise above personal feelings and focus on what will truly benefit your children.
And when your co-parent is speaking about something related to your kids, you should listen actively, as this shows respect and can help you understand their perspective, leading to more effective joint decision-making.
Manage Emotions
If you want to effectively communicate with your co-parent, you should try to recognize when you are becoming emotionally charged and take a moment to calm down before responding, as this can help keep your conversation constructive.
This may seem incredibly difficult, but ideally, you should take the emotion out of these conversations completely, just stick to the facts, and be as business-like as possible.
Moreover, you should acknowledge and appreciate the efforts of your co-parent because positive reinforcement can build goodwill and encourage more cooperative behavior in the future.
What You Shouldn’t Do
Avoid Using Children as Messengers
Instead of sending messages through your children, you should always communicate directly with your co-parent.
Using children as messengers can put undue stress on them and lead to miscommunications.
Don’t Discuss Adult Issues With Children
You should do your best to keep adult issues and disputes between co-parents.
Discussing such matters with children can make them feel anxious, caught in the middle, or pressured to choose sides.
Avoid Negative Talk About Your Co-Parent
Speaking negatively about your co-parent can damage your children’s perception of them and can seriously affect their emotional well-being.
So, whatever you do, make sure to avoid making any derogatory remarks about your co-parent in front of your kids.
Moreover, you should foster a positive environment by focusing on constructive communication and shielding your children from any hostility.
And if your child comes to you complaining about something that’s going on in your co-parent’s home, depending on the age of the child, rather than getting involved yourself, it might be better to tell them to address the issue with your co-parent directly.
Don’t Make Unilateral Decisions
Respecting each other’s time helps maintain a healthy co-parenting relationship.
That being said, you should always honor the agreements you’ve made with your co-parent and avoid encroaching on their time with last-minute changes unless it’s absolutely necessary.
And regardless of whether it’s about scheduling, or something else altogether, neither you nor your co-parent should be making any unilateral decisions.
Avoid Using Communication for Control
Communication should not be used as a tool to control or manipulate your co-parent.
So, make sure to keep interactions focused on effectively managing your co-parenting relationship and the well-being of your children.
Don’t Let Emotions Dictate Your Responses
It’s natural to have strong emotions after a separation or divorce, but allowing anger or resentment to influence your communication can lead to conflicts.
That being said, if your co-parent says something that upsets you, you should take some time to cool down before responding.
Don’t Ignore the Other Parent’s Concerns
Active listening is incredibly important for healthy co-parenting communication.
So, you should always pay attention to what your co-parent is saying and consider their concerns and suggestions, as dismissing them without consideration can lead to resentment and hinder cooperative co-parenting.
Don’t Compete
As much as you may like it to be, co-parenting is not a competition.
Having said that, instead of trying to win arguments, you should focus on finding mutually beneficial solutions, and approach discussions with a mindset of collaboration rather than confrontation.
And while it may feel good to know you’re getting more attention from your children than your co-parent, you shouldn’t try to make yourself the favorite.
Don’t Invade Your Co-Parent’s Privacy
While it’s important to share information about your children, you should respect each other’s privacy regarding your personal lives unless it directly affects your children.
Avoid Relying on Assumptions
If you want to encourage healthy co-parenting communication, you should never assume what your co-parent is thinking or feeling.
Instead, you should ask for clarification to avoid misunderstandings.
This also applies to arrangements for your children – always confirm rather than assume.
Don’t Forget to Update Each Other
Keeping each other informed about significant events, health issues, or school-related matters concerning your children is crucial.
Failing to do so can lead to mistrust and frustration.
Don’t Interfere With Parental Authority
In many families, one parent often takes on the bulk of the responsibilities when it comes to the children.
But when the relationship changes, and co-parents suddenly have to share responsibilities, one parent will tend to feel like they’re the only one who knows how to do these things.
And when you have one parent imposing on the other parent’s authority, then this just creates unnecessary conflict.
So, make sure to avoid interfering with the parental authority of your co-parent at all costs.
Want to improve your communication and foster a healthy co-parenting relationship? Contact us today to find out if Compassionate Divorce is right for you.
