The Third Pillar of Compassionate Divorce: Achieving Positive Outcomes

: 18 February 2024

The Third Pillar of Compassionate Divorce™: Achieving Positive Outcomes

Divorce or separation should be a life event, not a lifestyle.
- Me

Divorce is above all a legal procedure. Yet, as you can see, it has deep psychological roots. Finding and employing the resources to deal independently with your heartbreak, anger, and any other feelings you have, can make it easier to employ your Wise Mind to communicate respectfully and meaningfully. This can allow you to have the crucial conversations necessary to reach the agreements that can lead you through the separation and into a sustainable future for both of you and for your children.

The end result of following the first two steps of Compassionate Divorce™ is the final step, in separating individuals work together to reach agreements. If you are parents, recognizing that neither of you is going to get everything you want is a good first step in creating a comprehensive Parenting Plan. The reason we speak of "reaching" agreements is that you will both likely have to reach outside of your comfort zones when creating a Parenting Plan, which is arguably the most important component of achieving positive outcomes and providing the best opportunity for your children to have happy childhoods and fulfilling adult lives. For a deeper understanding of the importance of a Parenting Plan, take a look at Ann Buscho, Ph.D.'s Psychology Today post: "Demystifying Parenting Plans for Divorcing Parents", which explains the importance and the crucial components of a viable parenting plan at https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/better-divorce/202102/were-divorcing-what-about-the-kids.

We think about divorce as a journey you and your partner are on, in which varying parts of the journey occur on challenging terrain and at night. Joann is the leader of the touring company you have hired for this journey. She has the maps that inform

you how to get from Point A to Point B when it comes to money, property and the law. I am the guide, who shines a light on the potential hazards along the trail and who helps keep you from wandering off the trail.

One of my most important jobs is to help you find the trail that will offer your children the best opportunity to preserve the best aspects of their childhood and be as minimally impacted by the divorce or separation as possible. If both of you agree, the children will have the opportunity to speak with me, so that I can get a sense of what they want and need (which can feel empowering to them), and combine that input with an understanding of their stages of development and numerous other factors that are important to consider in creating a Parenting Plan.

Don't let your children become collateral damage from the conflict between the two of you:

The reason that a Wise Mind-based Parenting Plan is so crucial is because divorce or separation frequently does not feel fair. Over the years, I've heard so many clients say, "I want my 50% of the time with my kids". This is not typically a good place to start. It's one thing if a 50/50 timeshare works best for the child(ren), but kids are all different.

The quality of your relationship with your children is much more important than the quantity of time you spend with them. This brings us back to step one, the importance of having an outlet to deal with the grief you are experiencing regarding the loss of time with your children, so that you do not lean on them to help you get through your grief.

In some circumstances, parents may place their children in the position of meeting their own needs for connection or as a way of getting back at their ex-partners. If there has been intimate partner violence (which may include verbal and/or emotional abuse) perpetrated by one partner, and if that abuse is witnessed by the children, you may likely have to involve additional resources.

If a partner has a substance abuse issue that impacts parenting, you may consider a monitoring service such as Soberlink, to ensure that parent's sobriety, particularly while they are caring for the children. We can help you access these services, and we can use our extensive resource contact list to connect you with appropriate professionals that can help. Most children need both parents to be part of their lives, and it can sometimes take a lot of work to make this happen in a way that ensures a child's safe access to both parents in a way that maximizes their emotional and developmental needs.

We draw your attention again to Ann Buscho's January 19, 2021 Psychology Today blog post, in which she eloquently describes what it was like for her and her sister in childhood and adulthood, who were caught in the crossfire of their parent's divorce (Divorce and Kids: What you Need to Know and Why I'm a Shrink" ). It is one of the clearest and most poignant descriptions of the impact of children being placed in the middle of their parent's divorce conflicts, and of how this impact can last a lifetime.

Although this strategy can offer some short-term loyalty gains from one's children, it is important to remember that children become adults and develop minds of their own. Too often, these children "boomerang" to the parent with whom their relationships were discouraged, to the detriment of the parent who facilitated the discouraging. I like to think about the wisdom of perspective, viewing your children through the wide-angle lens, rather than the telephoto lens.

We enter into our work with our divorcing and separating clients with some basic principles.

Divorce is a growth experience. Once again, self-reflection and working on yourself is crucial here, as you are trying to perform another balancing act. This one entails maintaining stability for your children during a time of great change and potential instability in your own lives. Evolving as an individual in the face of challenging times is a growth experience, and divorce or separation is for most people a growth experience, whether you like it or not!
Our work together is a practice lab. Through our conversations together, we want you to learn how to communicate respectfully and meaningfully. In our meetings, we offer you the opportunity to practice these skills, and we also model these skills in our conversations with you and with each other.
Compassion is at the core. When we talk about compassion, we are referring to compassion for one another and, equally important, compassion for yourself. If you can practice both of these components, that compassion will carry over to your children and provide the best opportunity for all of you to get through this major life event and continue to have meaningful lives and compassionate relationships in the future.