To Divorce or Not to Divorce?
Deciding to divorce or separate is a major life event for both people. For some, the answer to this question is clear, particularly if one of you has made the decision to separate. For others, there may be a lot of conflicting feelings, making it difficult to decide which path to take.
A lot of things can happen from the time the idea of separation or divorce is introduced as a serious option, to when you make the decision to separate, to the onset of the formal divorce process. How you handle these times will likely set a tone and attitude for the entire separation or divorce, as well as your intersecting lives for years to come. Not all couples decide to divorce during this time and may choose other options, including embarking on a trial separation or working towards reconciliation.
Most importantly, this is a time to reflect, take stock, and gain as much clarity as you can before beginning the legal divorce. To assist in this effort, you may each want to consider speaking with an individual therapist. There are helpful books out there too that can help you navigate your conflicting feelings. One of my favorites is Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirshenbaum, in which the author poses some good questions to ask yourself when you have mixed feelings about whether to stay with your spouse or partner.
Some couples may consider a temporary, or trial, separation, which can be formalized through a separation agreement covering all the categories you want to include in it. You can learn more about separation agreements and how to set them up at Gottman.com/blog in the post "Do Trial Separations Work" by Terry Gaspard, LICSW.
Dr. Ann Buscho, whose A Better Divorce blog appears in psychologytoday.com recommends in her blog post, "What Does It Take to Save Your Marriage", that you try couples therapy first. A licensed psychologist, social worker or marriage and family therapist who specializes in working with couples can help you identify the strengths and weaknesses of your relationship, so that you can make a more informed decision about which path to take.
As you can see, this transition period of moving from one family to two is a very important crossroad, when the decisions you make will have a profound impact on the rest of your life and the lives of your family. Regardless of where you stand on this decision-making path of whether to divorce or not, it is important to treat these times with the attention and care they deserve.
We believe that by recognizing and addressing the relationship issues from the start, you have a better chance of achieving an outcome that best takes care of both of you and your children. A consultation with Joann and me during this transition time can help you identify and address both the relationship issues at play, as well as the legal concerns and strategies to be considered, no matter which path you take.
