4 Tips for Navigating the Co-Parenting Relationship During the Holidays

The holiday season, with its shimmering lights, festive tunes, and the warmth of togetherness, is a time of year that's cherished by many.

For families, it's a time filled with traditions, celebrations, and the opportunity to create long lasting memories.

But for those navigating the often delicate and/or challenging co-parenting relationship, the holidays can present a unique set of issues, especially if this is the first holiday season you are separated or have blended families to consider.

Truth be told, co-parenting always requires cooperation and compromise, but things can become even more complex when the calendar turns to the holiday season.

Whether it's scheduling conflicts, expectations from extended family, differing holiday traditions, travel considerations, finances, or last-minute changes, the holidays can be a particularly difficult time for any co-parenting relationship.

Emotions can run high, memories of happier times might resurface, and the desire to provide the perfect holiday experience for your children can create added stress. At the same time, unspoken expectations can lead to disappointment and resentment.

That being said, balancing the expectations of shared festivities with the reality of living separate lives requires thoughtful planning, open communication, and a commitment to making the season special for your children.

Above all else, putting a focus on your children's happiness and well-being should remain a shared goal, as the memories you create with your children during this season can have a lasting impact on them emotionally and otherwise.

This also offers an important opportunity to provide a healthy model for your children that can last throughout their lifetimes, especially if they someday navigate their own separation or divorce.

This is the approach we take at Compassionate Divorce, and ultimately, our goal is to help you turn the holiday season into a period of unity, happiness, and cherished memories for you, your former partner, and your children.

So, if you're struggling to navigate co-parenting during the holidays, then we hope you take the time to keep reading.

Because in this article, we're going to explore our approach to the co-parenting relationship, as it relates to the holidays, and offer four tips to help you create a much more enjoyable season, especially for your children.

The Compassionate Divorce Approach to Co-Parenting During the Holidays

Unfortunately, there's no shortage of things to disagree on during the holidays, and this is especially true when it comes to the co-parenting relationship.

But by embracing effective communication, flexibility, and a shared commitment to putting your children's well-being first, we can help you transform the holiday season from a source of tension to a time of harmony, love, and the joy of making memories with your children.

With that in mind, let's explore the Compassionate Divorce approach to co-parenting during the holidays, so you can learn how to make this season less stressful, and more enjoyable, and find out if our approach is right for you and your family.

1) Create a Co-Parenting Holiday Schedule

Creating a shared holiday schedule is one of the most important things to do when navigating the co-parenting relationship during the holidays.

It helps to eliminate any friction between co-parents, ensures everyone's on the same page about who's going to be where and when, and can help mitigate the effects on children of any changes associated with separation, divorce, and shared but separate holiday time.

When helping our clients to create a holiday schedule, first we ask what holidays are important to each party. This can sometimes quickly resolve many of the questions regarding the holiday season, as we may find that certain holidays are only important to one party and not the other.

For example, one person may not care about the Fourth of July or Halloween, or one client may be Jewish and not celebrate the Christian holidays.

In the case of both parties sharing the same faith, or prioritizing the same holidays, then we try to make decisions based on what holidays are most important to share with the children.

We also like to look at how each side of the family celebrates during the holidays.

For example, if one side celebrates on Christmas Eve and the other on Christmas Day, it's easier to accommodate the children enjoying the celebrations with both sides of the family every year by agreeing that the children will always be with the parent who's celebrating.

Otherwise, we need to know if there will be travel involved to see family, as that may result in a different schedule to accommodate travel plans.

Typically, each year, parents will alternate celebrating important holidays with their children.

We encourage co-parents to create a schedule where both parents get to celebrate with the children on or around the holiday, if both celebrating directly on the holiday is not possible. This creates a situation where both parents can still plan their holiday celebration with the children and extended family, based on their alternating schedule.

If both parties stay local and celebrate on the same day, or want the children with them on Christmas morning, for example, we can explore how the children can alternate spending Christmas Eve and Christmas Day each year.

In any case, we make sure co-parents are well aware that during the holiday season, or on any other special occasion that's included in the agreement, including birthdays for parents and children, this holiday schedule will supersede the normal parenting plan.

Understanding the potential for both parents and children to experience feelings of loss, as they're not experiencing the holidays the way they used to, we also make sure to consider the unique needs and preferences of each family and family member.

That being said, when it comes to creating a co-parenting holiday schedule, our primary focus is to ensure that these agreements are as pleasing as possible for everyone involved.

2) Celebrate Together

Some couples will decide to celebrate together, especially if the separation is new.

This makes for an easier transition for both children and parents as they change how and with whom they choose to spend the holidays.

As people start these new and separate lives, celebrating together may not be an option, so it's always good to have an agreement as to how the children will be shared during the holidays.

However, there is no rule that says you cannot continue to celebrate together for as long as that is comfortable for all concerned.

This is usually the best possible outcome for all, as no one has to lose time with the children and the children get to be with both parents.

At the same time, this sets a positive example regarding the importance of conflict resolution and cooperation. It can also reduce stress for children around the holidays by offering a sense of stability and consistency, giving them the emotional reassurance that both parents are there to celebrate with them.

With that in mind, if everyone involved actually wants to spend the holidays together, we will always encourage them to do so, not least because of how this can benefit the children and mitigate feelings of loss for the parents if the separation is new.

3) Have a Hybrid Holiday

Another strategy we recommend to clients who are celebrating the holidays for the first time since separating, or have just informed their children that they're separating, is to have what we call a hybrid holiday.

What this means is that the children will spend part of the holiday with both parents together and part of the holiday separately and/or with their own families.

This can be tricky, however, particularly if the holidays have usually been spent with one parent's family.

To better understand how this works, let's look at a hypothetical example:

Tom and Jenny began their divorce filings in October and are now planning for the holidays. They and their children have always spent Christmas Day with Tom's family, as they're local, while Jenny's family lives out of town and is less close with Tom, Jenny, and the children.

Jenny works with Tom to come up with a solution, as she's concerned that she'll be left out of the celebration this year, especially since she is the one who asked for a divorce.

So, to make things easier for everyone, Tom and Jenny have agreed that she will come over to Tom's parents' house on Christmas Day, as is their tradition, spend a few hours with them, and then leave to spend the rest of the day with friends.

This strategy sends a powerful message to the children and helps them to process the situation more easily by maintaining a tradition that has been very important, while also letting the children know that things are different now.

These kinds of hybrid holiday solutions can be beneficial for everyone involved, especially the kids, as it lets them know that their parents still honor one another, but also shows them that in the future they will or may celebrate separately.

4) Focus on Flexibility