How to Address Resistance to Moving Forward With Divorce Proceedings

Unfortunately, it’s all too common for one party to resist a divorce, and over the years, we’ve experienced this firsthand.

Truth be told, we can’t say we’ve ever worked with a family where both spouses were on the same page during the divorce process, and as we’ve learned, this can create many challenges.

Usually, there’s one party who’s a bit more emotionally ahead, who’s been thinking about separating for longer and is ready to do more to make the divorce happen.

If this is the case, one party may delay the divorce process by, for instance, taking an excessive amount of time to submit paperwork.

To be fair, some of us just aren’t good at organizing and filling out forms, and the divorce process does require you to disclose all of your assets, debts, expenses, and income, which can be quite a tough task for many people.

In extreme cases, some people may refuse to participate in the process or obstruct it, either intentionally or unintentionally, because they are simply not emotionally ready to move forward.

But in California, if one party seeks a divorce, it’s going to happen whether both spouses agree or not.

As such, these tactics only delay the inevitable, and can make an already stressful situation that much tougher to deal with, both financially and emotionally.

With that in mind, we want to offer some advice for handling resistance to moving forward with divorce proceedings, so you can prevent unreasonable delays and continue the divorce process.

So, if you’re dealing with a resistant spouse during divorce, then this article will provide you with a better understanding of how to navigate this difficult situation.

Why Do People Resist Moving Forward With Divorce Proceedings?

As much as one person may not want a divorce, once one spouse has initiated the proceedings, the divorce will eventually take place, regardless of whether they participate or not.

Some people may think that they can stop the divorce by stalling or obstructing the process, but that’s just not true.

In reality, all this will do is make things more difficult to deal with, as everything will take longer, more stress and anxiety will result from all the uncertainty, and you may end up in a situation where a judge will have to make decisions on someone’s behalf without their input.

Having said that, it’s important to understand people’s motivations in these situations, so let’s explore some of the reasons why people do this sort of thing.

Emotional Turmoil

Divorce is an inherently stressful and emotionally challenging process, and there’s just no way around that.

Believe it or not, some people just do not see it coming and have not had an opportunity to process the end of their marriage.

One or both parties will likely be experiencing feelings of anger, hurt, betrayal, or resentment, which can cloud their judgment and lead them to act in ways that are not rational or constructive.

This emotional turmoil may manifest as resistance or refusal to participate.

Desire for Revenge or Retaliation

In some cases, one party may seek to resist the divorce proceedings as a form of retaliation against their spouse.

They may view their resistance as an opportunity to inflict pain or punish their partner, rather than as a process for reaching a fair resolution that will enable both parties to get through the process, preserving their assets and income for their new lives. 

Financial Motives

Financial considerations can also play a significant role in divorce proceedings, particularly in cases involving substantial assets or liabilities.

The reality of divorce is most people end up with half of what they had while married.

This can be incredibly frightening, especially for those who do not have the time or ability to rebuild to the same level.

For example, if one party owes support to the other, it can be impossible to maintain the same standard of living enjoyed during the marriage and avoidance may seem like a rational response. 

In any case, divorce is usually a financially devastating event where you’ll find yourself supporting two households on the same income.

Few families have the resources to do this and not experience a loss in their standard of living. 

That being said, at Compassionate Divorce, we go beyond the statewide calculations and look for opportunities to keep as much money as possible in the family, as opposed to having them go to attorneys or paying taxes.

At the end of the day, understanding that this situation is generally motivated by fear can help you and your spouse work together to minimize the negative financial impact of divorce and overcome any resistance.

Child Custody and Support Issues

Disputes over child custody can significantly escalate tensions during divorce proceedings.

If you have children, you will most likely be sharing custody with the other parent.

California law supports frequent and continuing contact between children and both parents, which inevitably results in a loss of time with your children that can be extremely painful.

Furthermore, parents often adhere to certain roles when they’re married.

For instance, one parent may be the “primary” parent for purposes of scheduling appointments, doing homework, and/or caring for the children.

But once you separate, this changes everything, and it can be quite a bumpy road at first to redefine parental roles.

If you’ve been the primary parent, it can be difficult to share these responsibilities, you may worry about your children, and you might even question the other parent’s ability to fill this role.

On the other hand, if you’re not the primary parent, you may have a steep learning curve ahead of you if you want to learn and assume these responsibilities.

Having said that, it may be helpful to receive assistance from the primary parent by sharing information, and this will help maintain consistency and stability for your children.

And make sure to avoid the desire to be the “better” parent at the expense of your children. 

Understand that you both love your children and you may have differing parenting styles that contribute to their overall health and well-being.

Rest assured, children are resilient and as long as their parents are getting along and working together for their benefit, children can and do easily thrive in two households.

Lack of Acceptance

As we already mentioned, sometimes, one spouse may simply refuse to accept that the marriage is ending, as they did not see the separation coming.

Whether this makes sense to you or not, remember, feelings are not facts.

We are emotional beings and we may not be able to separate our emotions from our behaviors. 

This usually happens at the beginning of the process, as one spouse may cling to the false hope of reconciliation or deny the reality of the situation, leading them to resist moving forward with divorce proceedings.

Oftentimes, this is not a conscious act but rather, an emotional coping mechanism that they use as they process the situation.

Usually people get past this stage if they are given some space to process their emotions and realize this is happening with or without their participation.

For those who are resisting the divorce process, it may be helpful to explain to them that the judge may make orders with or without their participation.

Because if a judge must make a decision, most people would want to participate, so they can ensure they’ll have a chance to share their perspective.

Legal Strategy

In some cases, obstructing or refusing to participate in divorce proceedings may be a deliberate legal strategy employed by one party or their attorney.

For instance, one party may refuse to participate or obstruct the process as a way to gain leverage in negotiations or to exert control over the outcome, particularly if they believe that they are at a disadvantage. 

This could be done to gain a tactical advantage, like forcing the other party to incur additional legal fees or by creating delays that work in their favor.

Withholding information is the most common example of this, but there are many other things that can also lead to significant delays.

All things considered, this approach will likely benefit neither party and typically results in both parties being involved in the inevitably unpleasant divorce process for longer and at greater financial and emotional expense.

The court can and will order parties to produce information and may levy monetary penalties or issue sanctions against those who fail to fully disclose relevant facts during the divorce proceedings.

In extreme cases, the court may also award 100% of an asset to one party as a sanction for this type of conduct by the other party.

The reality is, by law, spouses have the highest fiduciary duty to one another, especially in divorce proceedings.

The court takes this duty seriously and will take the necessary steps to ensure full and fair disclosure of all facts and information.

That being said, any attorney that withholds, or recommends withholding financial information, is not ethical and they can expose you to some seriously negative consequences.

Fear of Change

Divorce represents a significant life change, and some individuals may resist it out of fear of the unknown.

They may be apprehensive about facing life as a single person or about the practical challenges of untangling their lives from that of their spouse.

This can lead to overwhelming feelings that may cause someone to “freeze” and feel as if they’re unable to engage or even help themselves. 

Ultimately, the reasons why one party may attempt to resist or refuse to participate in divorce proceedings can vary widely depending on individual circumstances.

But regardless of the underlying motivations, this kind of behavior does nothing but prolong the process, increase conflict, cause more pain and suffering, and make it more difficult to reach a mutually beneficial resolution.

If you’re facing this situation, try to look beyond the behavior, determine the cause, and address it, not with threats but with information.

And if possible, you should provide a bit of time and space at the beginning to give your spouse time to process the loss of the marriage.

At any rate, it’s always difficult for people in distress to make good decisions.

So, rather than trying to rush through everything, instead, try to take a few deep breaths and avoid getting ahead of yourself and the process.

With that in mind, we recommend breaking everything down into steps, not letting your fear of the unknown drive your decisions, and instead, seeking the information you need to address whatever fears you have.

Because once both you and your spouse have all the necessary information, and have had time to process what’s happening, you can make more informed decisions that result in mutually beneficial agreements.

How Do I Deal With Resistance to Moving Forward With Divorce?

Now that you have a better understanding of what motivates those who choose to obstruct or delay the divorce process, you’re probably wondering what you can do about it.

Luckily, when you’re trying to convince a partner to move forward with divorce proceedings, there’s actually a lot you can do.

With that in mind, below we’ve offered some advice on what you can do when helping a hesitant spouse accept the need for divorce.

Open Communication

You should try to initiate an open and honest dialogue with your spouse about the reasons for their reluctance to proceed with the divorce.

But make sure to allow them to express their concerns and feelings without judgment, as understanding their perspective can help you address their concerns more effectively.

Seek Mediation

You may also want to suggest the use of some form of mediation, like our Compassionate Divorce protocol, as an alternative to traditional litigation.

Mediation involves working with a neutral third party to facilitate discussions and negotiate a mutually acceptable divorce settlement.

In the Compassionate Divorce model, a mental health professional is an integral part of what we do, so it is expected that we will discuss any mental health issues as part of the mediation.

Some of these issues include alcohol and substance use, domestic violence, and unhealthy relationship patterns that have contributed to the end of the marriage.

All things considered, mediation is much less adversarial and more cooperative than going to court, which may make it more appealing to a reluctant spouse.

Focus on the Positive

In the context of divorce, it may seem strange to talk about focusing on the positive, but depending on the situation, there may be many overlooked benefits.

This includes things like achieving closure, moving on with your lives, and reducing ongoing conflict and stress.

In any case, focusing on the positive can help you convince your spouse to participate in the divorce proceedings, paving the way for both of you to begin the healing process and move forward with your respective futures.

Address Concerns

Another thing you can do is take proactive steps to address any specific concerns or fears that may be driving your spouse's reluctance to proceed with the divorce.

For example, if they’re worried about financial security or the well-being of your children, you should try working together to develop solutions and reassurances that address those concerns.

Consult Professionals

Involving a neutral third party can sometimes facilitate acceptance and a willingness to move forward with the divorce.

That being said, you might want to encourage your spouse to seek support from a therapist, counselor, and/or divorce coach who can help them navigate their emotions and concerns surrounding the divorce.

We strongly recommend that each partner have an individual therapist to work with during this time, as therapy provides a person and place where one can share the difficult and painful emotions that go along with divorce.

Divorce is arguably one of the most difficult situations to navigate, so if there was ever a time to be in therapy, this is it.

Legal Guidance

If your spouse is obstructing the process for strategic or manipulative reasons, it may be necessary to seek guidance from your attorney on how to navigate the situation legally.

Your attorney can advise you on your rights and options and help you develop a strategy for addressing and overcoming your spouse's obstruction.

Set Boundaries

If your spouse's obstructionism becomes abusive or excessively detrimental to your well-being, it may be necessary to set boundaries and take steps to protect yourself.

This could include seeking court intervention or legal remedies to compel their cooperation.

Remind Them of the Consequences

Reminding your spouse of the consequences of their actions can sometimes help to mitigate the situation by providing them with a clearer understanding of the potential repercussions of their behavior.

Whether it’s bringing up the possible legal consequences, financial implications, or the impact it’s having on your kids, this can be one of the best ways to resolve this type of situation.

Need help moving forward with divorce proceedings? Contact us today to find out if our collaborative approach to divorce is right for you.